No Matter How Handsome
by GlitterTech
Summary: No matter how "handsome" the men or their kids would be, Japan would NEVER do it. Ever. Unless it was Greece... Crackshot with a bit of crossover.


**Title**: No Matter How Handsome

**Author**: TechnoGlitter

**Rating**: T

**Characters/Pairings**: Japan, France, Russia, Onesided Frapan, something akin to Ruspan, FrRus?

**Warning**: OOC Japan, um... lime? Almost-not-quite-not-even-close-rape? I don't really know...

**Disclaimer**: I am not Hima-papa-san-tousan-chan-sensei; therefore I do not own Hetalia.

**Notes**: I know it's been done before, but I had to do it again, dammit.

"No!"

"Oh, come now Japan, why not? It would be the perfect opportunity for both of us," France said, moving in far too close for Japan's liking. "We could strengthen ties, influence our people's opinions, increase trade like never before!"

Japan violently shook his head. "No, France-san, I really do not want to do that with you! Please… stop touching me. And stop taking off your clothes!"

France shook his head not-as-violently. "No one can deny their love for me; I am the country of l'amour! It is a curse and a blessing, to be so handsome and wanted by so many!"

"I do not feel about you that way! I'm not even sure I want to be friends with you!" Japan struggled as France tried to take off the Asian nation's clothes. France stopped and pouted.

"Oh Kiku, you are so mean."

"I have never given you permission, _Francis,_" Japan hissed, now being sat on by the nude blonde Frenchman.

"_Mon dieu_, I apologize. I was not thinking clearly. Now then, about that earlier proposition-" France stared at nothing, a finger on his chin and a blank look on his face.

"No," Japan dead-panned.

"Why not? It would be fun, I would make you enjoy it, and our people would profit from it."

"My culture does not treat such a thing as lightly as yours."

"That's not what your hentai says, if that's anything to go by." Japan blushed.

"It's not." France sighed and sat back, his elbow digging into the soft spot just under Japan's shoulder blade. "The rumors I hear of a late-night rendezvous with a certain Grecian seem to undermine your reasoning." Japan's blush darkened.

"T-that didn't happen! Who told you? He's just making things up!"

France laughed just a little mockingly. "I said they were just rumors Japan, don't get so offended. And if we went through with this, I would make it much better for you than that lackluster loser could."

"Do not insult Greece-kun like that! He's a nice man, just a little odd. Like everyone is," Japan shouted, his voice a little softer due to the intense weight on his back. Those statistics about France catching up to Britain and America in terms of obesity and overweight people were certainly true. France continued as if Japan hadn't spoken.

"And even if by some odd twist of fate you got pregnant with a not-quite-rape-man-baby, it would look amazing, see?" France lazily held a picture of an attractive blonde-haired, blue-violet-eyed boy in a periwinkle school uniform in front of Japan's face.

"I didn't know that was printed in French."

"It's not. I simply read translations on the internet. Not in French either. I am not a pretentious asshole Brit, nor am I an obnoxious narcissistic American, so I know other languages."

"And if Japan and I did it, our man-rape child would look like this. Handsome, da? He must get it from me," Russia announced, holding a picture of another attractive blonde-haired blue-eyed boy in a periwinkle school uniform in front of Japan's face.

"That's printed in Russian?" he wheezed.

"No, but there are translations on the internet!" France looked up.

"I love those! The subtle emphasis on French culture astounds, impressed and delights me."

"I like the horror." Japan looked thoroughly confused and physically crushed.

France and Russia chose this moment to start making out. Japan got a nosebleed, and forcibly excused himself to go do… something. Probably to watch hentai, read hentai, be a hentai, or all of the above.

KONIEC.

_I don't know if it's printed in French or Russian, or if there are Russian translations on the internet, or if the Russian translations subtlety emphasize French culture or horror. First five people to tell me which manga/anime it so obviously is get a cookie and a congratulations. _

_Also, if you understood the "trade" joke, I will love you forever._


End file.
